I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an
open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If
your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
III. Use the element of
surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper
dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV. Once you are inside the bathroom,
speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom
door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the
water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life.
V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has
soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to
him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too
much.)
IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the
cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug
with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat
will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from
your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be
tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is
simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the
next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a
lot better.